So - What is Focusing?
When people ask me what I do, and I say “Focusing”, the question that is the title of this article is usually asked. I have written a lot in an attempt to respond, and I stuttered quite a lot in conversations too (I find it much harder to talk about it than write about it, for some reason), and still...
What is Focusing? A body-mind treatment technique? A dialogue with the body? Attention to sensations and feelings?
To me, Focusing is a way of life that doesn’t necessarily include closed eyes, special language or protocol. It doesn’t even necessarily include an explicit reference to the body, even though the body – in its widest meaning – is of course its essence, our essence.
The definition of Focusing for me, if you will – the definition that is the basis of the name ‘Home Focusing’ is this: Focusing means to senseinward, to what is inside of me, and express it in an enabling space.
An essence that takes place during interaction
We know how to “sense inward”; That is what we call " mindlfulness": observing sensations, feelings, thoughts (yes, thoughts are a part of our body too).
The other two factors – “expression” and “enabling space” are what make Focusing what it is: an essence that takes place during interaction, in a relationship.
The interaction can be internal: the first relationship that is at the basis of Focusing is the relationship between myself – my presence -and what is inside of me. The parts that we normally refuse to, are afraid to or are unable to listen to, and for that reason they draw our attention through physical or emotional pain.
Focusing invites those parts to express themselves, telling them: I am here, with you, I agree to listen. I am the enabling space, you are welcome to be, you are welcome to speak, you are welcome to remain just the way you are, for as long as you need.
The interaction can be internal, but anyone who has practiced Focusing alone and with a partner can testify that the qualities of Focusing in the presence of another person are much deeper. The other person, simply, vastly expands the enabling space, giving room to express the things inside of us that need to be expressed, enables us to reach deeper into what is within ourselves.
But, as I said before, Focusing does not merely exist in the Focusing practice. We want to take Focusing – sensing within and allowing full expression of what is there in an enabling space – home. We want to bring this quality into our relationships. This is the way we want to be for our children – so they can feel safe enough to tell us everything; this is the way we want to be with our life partners – honest, true, significant to one another; this is the way we want to be with people around us – friends, acquaintances and relatives, this is the way we would want to be as therapists for our cients; this is the way we would want our therpists to be with us.
We would like, for example, to say to someone close: I feel sad, and they can just be with us there, without cheering or soothing, without taking the sadness and the legitimacy to feel it away from us. We would like to say: I am afraid or I am angry, without the other person falling apart into a whirlwind of guilt, blame and fear.
Focusing invites us to look inside, to find out what is there and express it in an enabling space, and as such, it is the opposite of loneliness. It is the cure for loneliness.
It is not easy to listen
But moreover, the magic of Focusing lies in the fact that the enablig space doesn’t only allow us to rest there, open and protected, but it also enables internal forward-movement, development and healing. When the thing inside of us can finally be expressed, held by someone who enables this expression, it can move forward, it can flourish, it can change.
For example: when I have a difficult decision to make, or facing a turning point or some difficulty in my life, I want to find someone who can listen to me, just listen, without giving me advice (“toss a coin”), without choosing sides for me (“Of course option A is better”), without getting involved (because my decision may affect them too). I need them to just listen, and make room for everything that is there. When someone listens to me like that, everything I sensed inside me reveals itself to me more and more deeply. Things that I haven’t known about what is inside of me are allowed to reach my consciousness. Parts that have been stuck inside of me suddenly start to move. The answers come from within myself, and they are the most accurate answers for me.
It is not easy for the other person to listen like that. It goes against everything we have been educated and taught ("Don’t cry, nothing happened"), it seems to go against all our good intentions (mainly that of helping the other person). It requires the other person to really become an enabling space, first to what is happening inside of them – fears, identification, fatigue, have we mentioned the desire to help? – and then for the other person.
It is not easy, and this is the main thing that Focusing teaches us, the way I see it: to be the space in which everything that is inside of me, including the “fodbidden” feelings, self criticism and the internal contradictions, can be expressed. The space in which everyone who is interacting with me – the person I focus right now, my life partner, my child, my parent – can express their feelings.
A permitted space
The three components of the definition of Focusing are cumulative and essential: introspection, expression and enabling space, but some are more accessible to us than others: introspection demands mostly intention and a pause: just to stop and look inside, with curiosity, with patience; expression – we know how to do that, and for that reason Focusing is so simple – we live in a world of words and are very skilled in using them. Creating the enabling space is the most elusive of the three, and it is the one we want to create and expand and deepen.
So what do I do? Mostly that. I create an enabling space, in which it is permitted to be angry (even at me) and jealous and want what you can’t have. In which you are allowed to say “I feel like X!” and also “I don’t feel like Y!”. A space that invites you to check inside yourself for what is right, and invites giving it full expression, the way it needs to be expressed. A space where there is no external “you need to” but an introspection of what you need, and its external expression into a respecting relationship. This is what I do, and with every experience, person, couple and group, I grow and expand, and my inner space becomes more and more enabling, both for my pains and for the people that are dear to me. I pass the experience of the enabling space foward, to other people, and through them to their children, their life partners, their parents, their clients. Because the more present the qualities of Focusing are in all of our lives, our world will become a more enabling space.
What is Focusing? A body-mind treatment technique? A dialogue with the body? Attention to sensations and feelings?
To me, Focusing is a way of life that doesn’t necessarily include closed eyes, special language or protocol. It doesn’t even necessarily include an explicit reference to the body, even though the body – in its widest meaning – is of course its essence, our essence.
The definition of Focusing for me, if you will – the definition that is the basis of the name ‘Home Focusing’ is this: Focusing means to senseinward, to what is inside of me, and express it in an enabling space.
An essence that takes place during interaction
We know how to “sense inward”; That is what we call " mindlfulness": observing sensations, feelings, thoughts (yes, thoughts are a part of our body too).
The other two factors – “expression” and “enabling space” are what make Focusing what it is: an essence that takes place during interaction, in a relationship.
The interaction can be internal: the first relationship that is at the basis of Focusing is the relationship between myself – my presence -and what is inside of me. The parts that we normally refuse to, are afraid to or are unable to listen to, and for that reason they draw our attention through physical or emotional pain.
Focusing invites those parts to express themselves, telling them: I am here, with you, I agree to listen. I am the enabling space, you are welcome to be, you are welcome to speak, you are welcome to remain just the way you are, for as long as you need.
The interaction can be internal, but anyone who has practiced Focusing alone and with a partner can testify that the qualities of Focusing in the presence of another person are much deeper. The other person, simply, vastly expands the enabling space, giving room to express the things inside of us that need to be expressed, enables us to reach deeper into what is within ourselves.
But, as I said before, Focusing does not merely exist in the Focusing practice. We want to take Focusing – sensing within and allowing full expression of what is there in an enabling space – home. We want to bring this quality into our relationships. This is the way we want to be for our children – so they can feel safe enough to tell us everything; this is the way we want to be with our life partners – honest, true, significant to one another; this is the way we want to be with people around us – friends, acquaintances and relatives, this is the way we would want to be as therapists for our cients; this is the way we would want our therpists to be with us.
We would like, for example, to say to someone close: I feel sad, and they can just be with us there, without cheering or soothing, without taking the sadness and the legitimacy to feel it away from us. We would like to say: I am afraid or I am angry, without the other person falling apart into a whirlwind of guilt, blame and fear.
Focusing invites us to look inside, to find out what is there and express it in an enabling space, and as such, it is the opposite of loneliness. It is the cure for loneliness.
It is not easy to listen
But moreover, the magic of Focusing lies in the fact that the enablig space doesn’t only allow us to rest there, open and protected, but it also enables internal forward-movement, development and healing. When the thing inside of us can finally be expressed, held by someone who enables this expression, it can move forward, it can flourish, it can change.
For example: when I have a difficult decision to make, or facing a turning point or some difficulty in my life, I want to find someone who can listen to me, just listen, without giving me advice (“toss a coin”), without choosing sides for me (“Of course option A is better”), without getting involved (because my decision may affect them too). I need them to just listen, and make room for everything that is there. When someone listens to me like that, everything I sensed inside me reveals itself to me more and more deeply. Things that I haven’t known about what is inside of me are allowed to reach my consciousness. Parts that have been stuck inside of me suddenly start to move. The answers come from within myself, and they are the most accurate answers for me.
It is not easy for the other person to listen like that. It goes against everything we have been educated and taught ("Don’t cry, nothing happened"), it seems to go against all our good intentions (mainly that of helping the other person). It requires the other person to really become an enabling space, first to what is happening inside of them – fears, identification, fatigue, have we mentioned the desire to help? – and then for the other person.
It is not easy, and this is the main thing that Focusing teaches us, the way I see it: to be the space in which everything that is inside of me, including the “fodbidden” feelings, self criticism and the internal contradictions, can be expressed. The space in which everyone who is interacting with me – the person I focus right now, my life partner, my child, my parent – can express their feelings.
A permitted space
The three components of the definition of Focusing are cumulative and essential: introspection, expression and enabling space, but some are more accessible to us than others: introspection demands mostly intention and a pause: just to stop and look inside, with curiosity, with patience; expression – we know how to do that, and for that reason Focusing is so simple – we live in a world of words and are very skilled in using them. Creating the enabling space is the most elusive of the three, and it is the one we want to create and expand and deepen.
So what do I do? Mostly that. I create an enabling space, in which it is permitted to be angry (even at me) and jealous and want what you can’t have. In which you are allowed to say “I feel like X!” and also “I don’t feel like Y!”. A space that invites you to check inside yourself for what is right, and invites giving it full expression, the way it needs to be expressed. A space where there is no external “you need to” but an introspection of what you need, and its external expression into a respecting relationship. This is what I do, and with every experience, person, couple and group, I grow and expand, and my inner space becomes more and more enabling, both for my pains and for the people that are dear to me. I pass the experience of the enabling space foward, to other people, and through them to their children, their life partners, their parents, their clients. Because the more present the qualities of Focusing are in all of our lives, our world will become a more enabling space.
